F.A.Q.s

Clicking on any of the questions will put the link to that question in your URL bar, allowing you to link it to others.

How did I become a spanko? ↑

No one has figured out the answer to that, yet! There are many hypotheses, though none have been validated. There are markers of being a spanko, listed below, which appear to apply only to us. The bottom line, however, is that there are many possibilities as to why you are the way you are; what matters most is what you do about it.

Why do I keep wanting more of this? ↑

There are different answers based on what you uniquely get out of spanking. Your interest might be sexual or it might be disciplinary or it may be entirely playful. Generally speaking, however, this is a safe answer:

The act of spanking (whether giving or receiving) gives spankos an influx of feel-good hormones, specifically oxytocin (the hormone responsible for the feeling of intimacy and love), and dopamine (pleasure). In addition, spanking gives spankos an environment in which to be vulnerable with someone they trust, which is a bonding activity.

More specifically, for spankees, there is also the rush of endorphins, which is what the body releases in response to feeling pain and can give you a feeling described as a high.

Is there something wrong with me for wanting this so much? ↑

On the contrary, you have something which allows you to uniquely face a number of life's challenges. Spanking can be used as a tool for a myriad of things, ranging from goal accountability to stress relief to more enjoyable sex or just clearing the air, which is something vanilla people do not have access to. There are some circumstances in which a person is a spanko as a coping mechanism for abuse, but that is the exception, not the rule. The thing which ultimately judges our interests is how we use them, not what produced them.

Is it possible to get in trouble for being involved in a consensual spanking? ↑

Yes. Most laws do not account for consent, so spanking activity between adults can be classified as assault and prosecuted as such if charges are pressed. If you plan on sharing your spanking experiences online, you risk prosecution for any pornographic laws which may apply. Check with the laws which apply to your jurisdiction to determine more.

As a sidenote: the possibility of being charged is yet another reason to make sure you are playing with only trustworthy partners. As soon as you play with someone, you give them the power to potentially prosecute you.

How many other people are like this? ↑

That's impossible to know because spankos generally keep themselves "closeted". Based on the number of spanko blogs, videos, stories, etc., however, they are numerous. You are hardly alone.

Who should I talk to about this? ↑

It depends on the issue you're having.

If you're having trouble being "okay" with being a spanko, the first person you need to talk to is yourself. If you continue to have problems, it's a good idea to reach out to other spankos and ask how they reconcile being a spanko with the rest of who they are.

If your issue is having insufficient experience / know-how with the mechanics of a spanking or the dynamics of a spanko relationship, it's best to find others to observe and learn from.

What are good things to look for in a spanking partner? ↑

This question is actually very simple to answer, as it requires only three things:

If the answer to all three is "yes", then you've probably found yourself a good partner. If the answer to any of those questions is "no", then things are unlikely to turn out well.

How can I get my current partner to become my spanking partner? ↑

In short: if they're not a spanko, you probably can't.

To give and/or receive spankings, a person must be motivated by their own interests to do so. Any spankings that are altruistically given or received tend to have a short life in a relationship.

If, at the very least, you want your partner to know about this side of you, a good place to start is with informative sites like these which can show your partner that you are not alone in your interest and that your interest doesn't make you unhealthy.

What should I expect from a spanking? What are some good practices for making sure it goes well? ↑

If you're the spanker

There are a few things to be aware of that may or may not happen:

For yourself

  • Your arm will get tired, especially during your first few spankings. It's important to find a comfortable pace during a spanking.
  • If you're using your hand, remember that your hand is sustaining as much impact as the spankee's bottom is. Keep your joints flexible (try to never spank with a fully rigid hand, wrist, or arm) and practice slightly cupping your hand to minimize the impact against your palm.
  • If you're using an implement, your palm may become sweaty and therefore slippery. Make sure to interrupt the spanking in some way if that happens (stopping to rub the spankee's bottom is often a good choice) until you can again maintain a good grip on your implement.
  • If you are using a lengthy implement, you risk accidentally hitting yourself while swinging it. It's good practice to wear thicker clothing while giving that kind of spanking, if you can.
  • You may become physically aroused even if you don't feel aroused. For men: If this is embarrassing for you or feels inappropriate, you can have the spankee lay over a pillow you've placed on your lap.
  • You may get caught up in what you're doing. Remember to intentionally and actively note your spankee's responses so that you don't go overboard.
  • Podal hygiene is important. If you are using the OTK position, be aware that your spankee's face will be relatively close to your feet, so keep your feet and/or socks and/or shoes odor-free.

From your spankee

  • Every spankee has a different set of reactions to a spanking, based on a variety of factors:
    • Their relationship with the spanker
    • Their mindset going into the spanking
    • The kind of spanking it is (Punishment, Fun, Maintenance, etc.)
    • Variables the two of you may never be able to identify
  • Different bottoms mark differently. Some may only pinken from a hard spanking, while others may deeply redden and even bruise from a mild spanking.
  • A spankee's skin often adapts to spanking, over time. Don't be disheartened if you see this happen. Your spankings still feel the same, to the spankee.
  • A spankee's endurance during a spanking is greatly based on how consistent the spanking's intensity is; you can give a much longer spanking if your technique isn't erratic. A spankee's endurance is also based on the quality of pauses you might take to rub their bottom throughout the spanking.

If you're the spankee

There are a few things to be aware of:

  • Whatever emotions you have going into a spanking are likely to be amplified during the spanking. It's very important to make sure that your mindset going into the spanking matches the kind of spanking you're agreeing to.
  • It is possible for you to enter a mindset colloquially referred to as "subspace" while getting spanked. This occurs when both your body and brain have stopped trying to process or react to what's happening. You can start to feel very euphoric during this point, causing you to no longer be conscious of how much damage your body is taking. While it can be enticing to "let go", remember that you and only you are responsible for looking after your health in this situation. If subspace is a possibility for you, make sure that you have good reason to trust the person bringing you there.
  • Your emotions may unexpectedly change during a spanking. Make sure you communicate those changes to your partner before the spanking progresses.
  • The amount of spanking you can take may change based on a variety of factors, some of which you may not be able to identify. Make sure you communicate your current tolerances to your partner before and/or during a spanking.
  • In the beginning, you won't really know much about yourself as a spankee, and it's likely that mistakes will be made along the way. Remember to forgive yourself and/or your partner for them and learn from the experience.
  • Your body and emotions may react in ways you don't expect in the minutes and hours following a spanking. It's a good idea to know what things comfort you and to have them handy after a spanking has concluded.
  • Anal hygiene is important. Bacteria constantly accumulate there even if you haven't used the bathroom recently. Especially in the OTK position, your bottom is going to be relatively close to your spanker's face. Keep that area clean with anything that cleanses away bacteria, but stay away from anything containing a fragrance, as that can antagonize the area. Baby wipes and anti-bacterial soaps should work well.

A number of spankos have graciously submitted vignettes of their first spanking experience for new spankees to learn from. They are available here.

What, exactly, is consent and how can I be sure that it's valid? ↑

Consent is the agreement of a person to engage in a negotiated action. It (usually) takes one of two forms: Consent must be allowed to be withdrawn at any time for any reason and is the *only* thing which makes a spanking ethically allowable.

Indications that you do not have consent, even if you think you do:

If any of the above apply to your situation, you do not have consent and you must not engage them in spanking activity.

I think this would be really good for my friend. How can I bring it up to him/her? ↑

First, make sure that this is something you feel your friend would want by their standards, not yours. Spanking is only beneficial to someone when they already want it and get to freely choose who they indulge that with. Therefore, make sure that you feel they would be interested in it, not simply "in need" of it.

If you feel certain that they would be interested, it helps to have resources to show them that this isn't something that just applies to you. Try to find resources which show them that spanking exists in many relationships in a healthy, consensual manner. After demonstrating the existence of it, follow up with an explanation of how it works for you and/or your relationship.

Make sure that you aren't pushing them into making your choices. The best thing you can do is show them that there are options and then let them decide if any of those options are for them or not.

Is this abusive? ↑

That depends on two things: So long as the answer to both questions is "yes", it is not at all abusive.

Important note: Consent *must* be completely voluntary from each person involved. Levels of authority ("I'm the Dom", "I'm the parent"), perceived deservedness ("They really need a spanking"), and/or psychological coercion ("You will continue doing things that hurt yourself and/or others unless you get spanked") are all invalid and probably abusive justifications for spanking.

Can two people be in a spanking "relationship" without it being sexual? ↑

Absolutely. There are many ways to introduce spanking into almost any kind of functional relationship (friendship, D/s partner, romantic partner, etc).

TL;DR. When can I start spanking/getting spanked?! ↑

You have to wait until you're at least the legal age of consent in your jurisdiction. It sucks to have to wait, and we've all been there, but it's important to wait. Not only will you develop the necessary wisdom to identify a responsible spanking partner while you wait, but you will also prevent putting yourself and/or your partner at legal risk for having not waited.

If you're already of legal age, then you first need to go over the basics and learn as much as you can from any respectable source before you start doing this "for real". Spanking is inherently risky, both physically and emotionally. Learn first. Do second.

F.A.Q.s - For Non-Spankos

If you're coming from a BDSM background

How is this any different from what I already know about spanking?

It's probably a lot different, actually. Some things to be aware of:
  • This is not about punishment in the kinky sense, so don't try to make it about excitement or stimulation. This is about real accountability for real-life issues and goals. What the spankee gains from this is not sexual or romantic in nature, it's the idea that someone cares enough about them to use a tool that resonates with them when they need it. To the spanko brain, "spanking" is synonymous with "care".
  • This is not about dominance in the kinky sense, and it may not be about dominance in any sense. A spanko may not desire (or even accept) any kind of sex, romance, or dominance with you. Treat those as separate from spanking. If you want to pursue those things, do so (if they are receptive, of course), but don't assume that spanking automatically ushers you into any other kind of relationship or activity with a spanko.
  • This is not about sensation play. While you are probably used to spankings being sharp slaps interspersed between rubs and caresses and pinches, etc., the kind of spanking a spanko wants is rhythmic, consistent, firm, and lengthy.
  • A spanko does not "fetishize" spanking, per se. Studded paddles, spanking horses/crosses, etc, are all likely turn-offs to your spanko. Traditional, household implements (such as bare hand, wooden spoon, hairbrush, belt, etc.) are what resonate with a spanko.

If you're coming from a vanilla background

This is a sex thing, right?

This is absolutely not a sex thing. Don't bring any erotic intent into a spanking with your partner; it will likely ruin it for them. If you feel that you want to do something erotic because of the spanking, wait until well after the spanking is over before initiating.

How much is this supposed to hurt?

It's very normal to be worried about the amount of pain that can come from a spanking. However, a spanking is supposed to hurt, for a spanko. A lot. A motto to keep with you is "Pain, but never injury. Embarrassment, but never humiliation." Redness, swelling, and even bruising can occur from a spanking. If your partner is a spanko spankee, it's better to accidentally go a little too hard and have your spankee help you roll back to a safer intensity than to under-spank and leave them feeling unfulfilled. If your partner is a spanko spanker, make sure you're very clearly communicating when you start to reach the limit of what you can take. You will probably be able to take less than they are wont to give, and they will need that feedback to let them know where the line is.

I'm super willing to do this for my partner, but they don't seem happy with it. What's wrong?

Unfortunately, spanking only really works for a spanko when it comes from a place of self-interest and not altruism (an exception sometimes being dominant spankos with submissive non-spankos). Especially for spankees, the spanking is "ruined" if it's done purely for their sake instead of the spanker's sake. While they are likely to appreciate you putting in the effort you are, it's unlikely they will be fulfilled as a spanko unless they can get another spanko to fulfill their needs.

Is my partner regressing into childhood or compensating for some kind of trauma by wanting/needing this?

It's never safe to assume that. 99% of the time, a spanko is just born a spanko, and the need manifests at different times for different spankos. There are exceptions where someone becomes fascinated with spanking because of some kind of trauma, but that is very, very rare. Be very careful not to assume that your partner needs/wants spankings for unhealthy reasons. Not only are you probably wrong, but it will quickly put a damper on them opening up to you if they self-consciously feel that you're critiquing the reason for their identity.

My S.O. wants a spanking partner/disciplinarian. Isn't that going to affect our relationship?

Very, very likely not. Spanking isn't about sex, and it isn't about romance. All those things *can* be incorporated with each other, but they come separately, by default. A spanko needs another spanko in order for the spanking to be "real" and to do its job for them. Not only will you still be every bit as much their S.O. as you were before, but you will be more so, since you were willing to trust them with pursuing their needs.